Good Kids Gone Bad

17 Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord,
    and he will repay him for his deed.
18 Discipline your son, for there is hope;
    do not set your heart on putting him to death.
19 A man of great wrath will pay the penalty,
    for if you deliver him, you will only have to do it again.
20 Listen to advice and accept instruction,
    that you may gain wisdom in the future.
21 Many are the plans in the mind of a man,
    but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.
22 What is desired in a man is steadfast love,
    and a poor man is better than a liar.
23 The fear of the Lord leads to life,
    and whoever has it rests satisfied;
    he will not be visited by harm.
24 The sluggard buries his hand in the dish
    and will not even bring it back to his mouth.
25 Strike a scoffer, and the simple will learn prudence;
    reprove a man of understanding, and he will gain knowledge.
26 He who does violence to his father and chases away his mother
    is a son who brings shame and reproach.
27 Cease to hear instruction, my son,
    and you will stray from the words of knowledge.
28 A worthless witness mocks at justice,
    and the mouth of the wicked devours iniquity.
29 Condemnation is ready for scoffers,
    and beating for the backs of fools. – Proverbs 19:17-29 ESV

A rebellious child. Nobody plans for one. But they don't just happen either. At the same time, there is no magic elixir or five-step strategy that can guarantee you won't have one. And while we must do all we can to discipline our children while they are young and attempt to raise them in a godly atmosphere, there is no assurance that our children will never stray, never disappoint us or never become an embarrassment and a public disgrace (Proverbs 19:26 NLT). 

Solomon was a big proponent of godly discipline and instruction in a child’s early developmental years. One of the most frequently quoted and misunderstood verses in the entire book of Proverbs is found in chapter 22:

Train up a child in the way he should go;
    even when he is old he will not depart from it. – Proverbs 22:6 ESV

This verse is not meant to be a scriptural panacea, offering the guarantee of a godly child if you follow God’s prescribed parenting plan. This proverb simply teaches that, while our children are young and pliable, we must do all we can to teach them the truth of God’s Word and model for them the life of wisdom and righteousness that God desires. But as children grow older, they also grow increasingly more independent, until they reach that inevitable point at which they must determine and decide their own faith and fate. They will have to decide what they are going to do with all that they have been taught. What happens at that point has as much to do with their personality and temperament as anything else. Two children raised in the same home by the same parents and under the same set of rules can turn out completely different from one another – solely based on their personality profile.

That’s why Solomon provides the following admonition: “Discipline your children while there is hope. Otherwise you will ruin their lives” (Proverbs 19:18 NLT). The day may come when your adult child will no longer accept your instruction or submit to your discipline. It will be too late.

Every day, countless parents ask the pain-filled, guilt-ridden questions, "Where did we go wrong?" "What could we have done differently?" "How could we have prevented this from happening?" No doubt, those questions have answers. There are inevitably some things they could have done differently, better, or not at all. None of us are perfect parents. We all make mistakes. We sin against our children and, when it comes to their sins, we overlook some and overreact to others. We are inconsistent and non-perfect parents.

And there are those times when our children turn out differently than we had hoped or dreamed; not so much because of our shortcomings as parents but because of the choices our children made along the way. That’s why Solomon cries out to his sons to listen to his instruction. He begs them to listen to what he is trying to tell them about wisdom and the life of righteousness.

If you stop listening to instruction, my child,
    you will turn your back on knowledge.  – Proverbs 19:27 NLT

Get all the advice and instruction you can,
    so you will be wise the rest of your life. – Proverbs 19:20 NLT

But ultimately, every child must come to the point where they begin making their own choices and deciding what it is they believe. They must choose to listen to all that they have been taught and begin obeying it, not because they have to, but because they want to. Their faith must become a choice of the will, not an act of submission to their parent's wishes.

Watching your son or daughter reject the faith you have tried to instill in them is a painful thing to endure. It is gut-wrenching. The word "violence" in verse 26 is meant to shock the reader. The Hebrew word means "to devastate, ruin or violently destroy." This pictures a son or daughter who has done some serious damage to their father. It could be financially, physically, or even just emotionally. They have devastated their father. Their actions have brought him down and knocked the props out from under him. And they have managed to alienate and drive away their own mother. She wants nothing to do with her own child. This loving mother and father now find their child to be an embarrassment and a public disgrace. All their friends can stand back and watch as their adult child lives an ungodly and unrighteous life right in front of their eyes. And the fingers point, the gossip spreads, and the pity is poured out on these two poor souls who obviously failed at parenting. But that is not Solomon’s point. He is not condemning those whose children have rebelled and rejected the way of wisdom. He is simply stressing the vital importance of godly wisdom and instruction in their early years. It is a warning to remain steadfast and committed to godly parenting “while there is hope” (Proverbs 19:18 NLT).

At the end of the day, we must place our children in the hands of God. The psalmist reminds us that “Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him” (Psalm 127:3 NLT). And God views parents as stewards, not saviors. He does not expect us to produce godly children because only He can bestow righteousness. All we can do is teach them the truth of God's Word and model for them a life of faith and godliness. Ultimately, they will have to choose for themselves. They are free-will creatures who must one day choose God and accept His will for their lives. Many do, but some do not.

That is why Solomon repeatedly stresses the positive outcomes of a godly life. He wants his own children to understand that way of wisdom has real benefits.

Loyalty makes a person attractive.
    It is better to be poor than dishonest. – Proverbs 19:22 NLT

Fear of the Lord leads to life,
    bringing security and protection from harm. – Proverbs 19:23 NLT

Get all the advice and instruction you can,
    so you will be wise the rest of your life. – Proverbs 19:20 NLT

Yet, not all children will heed Solomon’s advice or their parents’ instructions. They will choose the wrong path and, like the prodigal son, decide to waste their inheritance and their life. But like the father of the prodigal son, we must continue to pray for them and hope for their ultimate return. We must turn them over to God and ask Him to do what only He can do. He alone can soften their heart and convict them of their rebellion. Because their sin, while painful to us as parents, is ultimately against God. They are rejecting Him, not us. And only God can restore them to a right relationship with Himself. Nothing is impossible for Him.

English Standard Version (ESV) The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. ESV® Permanent Text Edition® (2016). Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

New Living Translation (NLT) Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

New English Translation (NET)NET Bible® copyright ©1996-2017 by Biblical Studies Press, L.L.C. http://netbible.com All rights reserved.

The Life of Integrity

1 Better is a poor person who walks in his integrity
    than one who is crooked in speech and is a fool.
2 Desire without knowledge is not good,
    and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way.
3 When a man’s folly brings his way to ruin,
    his heart rages against the Lord.
4 Wealth brings many new friends,
    but a poor man is deserted by his friend.
5 A false witness will not go unpunished,
    and he who breathes out lies will not escape.
6 Many seek the favor of a generous man,
    and everyone is a friend to a man who gives gifts.
7 All a poor man’s brothers hate him;
    how much more do his friends go far from him!
He pursues them with words, but does not have them.
8 Whoever gets sense loves his own soul;
    he who keeps understanding will discover good.
9 A false witness will not go unpunished,
    and he who breathes out lies will perish.
10 It is not fitting for a fool to live in luxury,
    much less for a slave to rule over princes.
11 Good sense makes one slow to anger,
    and it is his glory to overlook an offense.
12 A king’s wrath is like the growling of a lion,
    but his favor is like dew on the grass.
13 A foolish son is ruin to his father,
    and a wife’s quarreling is a continual dripping of rain.
14 House and wealth are inherited from fathers,
    but a prudent wife is from the Lord.
15 Slothfulness casts into a deep sleep,
    and an idle person will suffer hunger.
16 Whoever keeps the commandment keeps his life;
    he who despises his ways will die. – Proverbs 19:1-16 ESV

What does a person of integrity look like? Our modern culture has diluted integrity down to a one-dimensional idea of honesty. If you tell the truth or keep your word, you're referred to as a man of integrity. But the biblical view of integrity is so much deeper, fuller, and all-inclusive. And the Proverbs help us see what the life of a person of integrity looks like. Using comparisons and contrasts, it paints simple word pictures of what the person of integrity does and doesn't do.

The biblical concept of integrity carries the idea of wholeness or completeness. A person of integrity is sound in mind, body, and spirit. Their life is well-integrated and non-compartmentalized, and lived entirely for God, with no parts held back. To live a life of integrity is to give God every aspect of my life, not just the convenient parts. And it is allowing God to transform every area of my life, including my speech, attitudes, and actions.

Solomon tells us over and over again that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge. God is the source of all we need to live a godly, whole, and complete life. The person who refuses to acknowledge this reality is designated as a fool in the Proverbs, and a fool is simply one who actively spurns the ways and the will of God. The fool says there is no God or lives his life as if there were no God, in spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. And the fool is one who hears God’s call but refuses to listen. As a result, his or her life is incomplete and lacking in wholeness. It exhibits a glaring lack of spiritual vitality and soundness.

According to Solomon, even a poor man can display integrity because it has little to do with material possessions or one’s position within society. Wealth can’t buy integrity. Power and prominence don’t naturally come equipped with integrity.

Wealth brings many new friends,
    but a poor man is deserted by his friend. – Proverbs 19:4 ESV

Money can buy a lot of friends, but when it runs out, so do they. And wealth is a poor substitute for integrity. The man who “has it all” may appear to be sound and whole, lacking in nothing, but without integrity, he is operating at a serious deficit.

Simply put, integrity is righteousness lived out. It is godliness made visible and tangible. When the wisdom, knowledge, and understanding we receive from God begin to influence our behavior and speech, others can see it and be influenced by it. Integrity makes us willing to do the right thing and suffer loss rather than lie in order to get ahead (Proverbs 19:1).

Without integrity, we tend to rush headlong into decisions, letting our enthusiasm drive our choices rather than wisdom.

Desire without knowledge is not good,
    and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way. – Proverbs 19:2 ESV

People of integrity still make mistakes, but when they do they refuse to blame God for the consequences. But “When a man's folly brings his way to ruin, his heart rages against the Lord” (Proverbs 19:3 ESV). Those without integrity or wholeness tend to make unhealthy choices and then refuse to take responsibility for the unpleasant outcomes they encounter.

People with integrity don't practice "fake" friendships, pursuing relationships purely for what they can get out of them.

Many seek favors from a ruler;
    everyone is the friend of a person who gives gifts!

The relatives of the poor despise them;
    how much more will their friends avoid them!
Though the poor plead with them,
    their friends are gone. – Proverbs 19:6, 7 NLT

Instead, they view others through God's eyes, loving the helpless and hopeless the same way He does.

If you help the poor, you are lending to the Lord—
    and he will repay you! – Proverbs 19:17 NLT

The integral life is marked by honesty and truth-telling at all times and at any cost.

A false witness will not go unpunished,
    nor will a liar escape. – Proverbs 19:5 NLT

A false witness will not go unpunished,
    and a liar will be destroyed. – Proverbs 15:9 NLT

A life of integrity is the only acceptable form of self-love because it ends up rewarding those who practice it with great benefits.

To acquire wisdom is to love yourself;
    people who cherish understanding will prosper. – Proverbs 19:8 NLT

A person of integrity lives their entire life for God, so they are less likely to get angry when offended or when things don’t go their way. They have a greater capacity to overlook a wrong committed because they understand the fallen nature of man. This God-given patience provides them with respect and protects them from harm.

Sensible people control their temper;
    they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.

The king’s anger is like a lion’s roar,
    but his favor is like dew on the grass. – Proverbs 19:11-12 NLT

Hot-tempered people must pay the penalty.
    If you rescue them once, you will have to do it again. – Proverbs 19:19 NLT

Integrity understands that God is sovereign and in control of all the affairs of life and, ultimately, His sees that His will is done.

Fathers can give their sons an inheritance of houses and wealth,
    but only the Lord can give an understanding wife. – Proverbs 19:14 NLT.

The integral life is marked by obedience to God, hard work, the constant pursuit of wisdom, and a fear of the Lord (Proverbs 19:15, 16, 20, 23, 24). Integrity encourages parents to create an atmosphere in their home where instruction is God-centered, and discipline is practiced in order to raise children who are God-fearing (Proverbs 19:18, 25, 26, 27, 29.

In the very first chapter of this book, Solomon provides his reason for compiling and cataloging all these words of wisdom.

Their purpose is to teach people wisdom and discipline,
    to help them understand the insights of the wise.
Their purpose is to teach people to live disciplined and successful lives,
    to help them do what is right, just, and fair. – Proverbs 1:2-3 NLT

But then he adds, "Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true knowledge" (Proverbs 19:7 NLT). It all starts with God. We must understand that only He can provide us the wisdom, insight, understanding, and discipline we need to live lives of integrity. We can’t manufacture these things on our own. No amount of money can buy them. They don’t come with success or social prominence. No, they are the byproducts of an integral or well-rounded life. Solomon was interested in helping people do what is right, just, and fair. But he knew that good behavior was impossible without a healthy reverence for God. He alone can provide the wisdom and discipline necessary to transform a person from the inside out. And when God transforms the heart, it shows up in tangible expressions of righteousness and godliness. When we put Him first and allow Him to guide and direct our lives, others will see the change taking place within us as it flows out from us. Our integrity will be visible to all those around us.

English Standard Version (ESV) The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. ESV® Permanent Text Edition® (2016). Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

New Living Translation (NLT) Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

New English Translation (NET)NET Bible® copyright ©1996-2017 by Biblical Studies Press, L.L.C. http://netbible.com All rights reserved.

An Unexpected Outcome.

Proverbs 19

“Children who mistreat their father or chase away their mother are an embarrassment and a public disgrace.” – Proverbs 19:26 NLT

A rebellious child. Nobody plans for one. But they also don't just happen. At the same time, there is no magic elixir or five-step strategy that will guarantee you won't have one. While we must do all we can to discipline our children while they are young and attempt to raise them in a godly atmosphere, there is no assurance that our children will never stray, never disappoint us or never become an embarrassment and a public disgrace. While our children are young and pliable, we must do all we can to teach them the truth of God's Word and model for them the life of wisdom and righteousness that God desires. But as our children grow older, they also grow increasingly more independent, until they reach that inevitable point at which they must determine and decide their own faith and what they are going to do with all that they have been taught. What happens at that point has as much to do with their personality and the way they're wired than anything else. Two children raised in the same home by the same parents and under the same set of rules can turn out completely different from one another – solely based on their personality profile.

Every day, countless parents ask the pain-filled, guilt-ridden questions, "Where did we go wrong?" "What could we have done differently?" "How could we have prevented this from happening?" No doubt, there are always answers to those questions. There are inevitably some things we could have done differently, better, or not at all. None of us are perfect parents. We make mistakes. We sin against our children. We overlook some sins in our children and overreact to others. We are inconsistent and non-perfect parents. But there are those times when our children turn out differently than we had hoped our dreamed, not so much because of our shortcomings as parents, but because of choices our children have made along the way. That is why Solomon cries out to his sons to listen to his instruction. He begs them to listen to what he is trying to tell them about wisdom and the life of righteousness. "If you stop listening to my instructions, my child, you will turn your back on knowledge" (Proverbs 19:27 NLT). "Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life" (Proverbs 19:20 NLT).

But ultimately, every child must come to the point where they begin making their own choices and deciding what it is they believe. They must choose to listen to all that they have been taught and begin obeying it, not because they have to, but because they want to. Their faith must become a choice of the will, not an act of submission to their parents' wishes. Watching your son or daughter choose to reject the faith you have tried to instill in them is a painful thing to endure. It is gut-wrenching. The word "mistreat" in this verse is probably a poor choice to convey the thought behind the original Hebrew word. It means, "to devastate, ruin or violently destroy." This pictures a son or daughter who does some serious damage to their father. It could be financially, physically or even just emotionally. They devastate their father. Their actions bring him down, knocking the props out from under him. And they end up chasing or driving away their own mother. They want nothing to do with her. And as a result, they become an embarrassment and a public disgrace to their parents. How difficult it is to have to watch your children live ungodly lives in front of all who know you. Their lifestyle is in plain view of all and a constant reminder of what you could easily interpret as your own failure as a parent.

But at the end of the day, we must place our children in the hands of God. We are stewards, and not their saviors. We cannot make our children godly. We cannot make them righteous. All we can do is teach them the truth of God's Word and model for them the life of faith and godliness. But ultimately, they will have to choose for themselves. They are free-will creatures who must one day choose God and accept His will for their lives. Many do, but some do not. Like the father of the prodigal son in scripture, we must continue to pray for them, looking for their ultimate return. We must turn them over to God and ask Him to do what only He can do. Only He can soften their heart and convict them of their rebellion. Because their sin, while painful to us as parents, is ultimately against God, not us. They are rejecting Him, not us. And only God can restore them to a right relationship with Himself. Nothing is impossible for Him.

Father, parenting can be a blessing, but it can also be hard work. There are times when it is difficult and things don't turn out quite like we expected or wanted. Give us the faith to trust You even when things look dark and our children appear to have rejected us. Help us to recognize that their rebellion is against You and only You can restore them. Give us faith to trust You with the lives of our children, even when they don't turn out the way we planned. Amen.

Father Versus Friend.

Proverbs 19

“Discipline your children while there is hope. Otherwise you will ruin their lives.” – Proverbs 19:18 NLT

As the father of six children, I know a fair amount about raising kids. Notice I didn't say I knew a lot about raising kids WELL. In thirty-plus years of parenting, I have made my fair share of mistakes, and I continue to make them. But one of the most significant battles I have faced as a father is the temptation to try and be my children's best friend, rather than their father. Here's how it looks. Any time I have let slide some less-than-acceptable behavior because I didn't want to run the risk of making them mad at me, I have traded in being a father for being a friend. When I have refused to punish their actions because I wanted to avoid the confrontation, I have made friendship more important than fatherhood. And every time I have made being a friend to my kids the driving factor in our relationship, I have done them a disservice. My kids don't need me to be their best buddy, they need me to be their dad. And sometimes that role requires me to discipline and train them. Turning a blind eye to their behavior is not love, it's a form of child abuse. When I do it, I am allowing them to act in such a way that is unacceptable and potentially harmful to their future. The Proverbs call us to discipline our children while there is still hope. In other words, there is a window of opportunity in which we can instill into our kids the kind of discipline that will ultimately manifest itself in self-discipline. We are called to teach and train them. We are commanded to encourage them and, at times, admonish them. The desire to have them like me is a dangerous one. It seems so worthwhile and right. But how many times have we sacrificed their future well-being because we refused to teach them the consequences of their actions? That kind of parenting can ruin their lives. It makes them selfish and self-centered. It teaches them that the world revolves around them. It encourages them to become self-focused children who grow up to become self-absorbed, narcissistic adults.

Coddling and caving into our kids now will only ruin them later. We are called to be their parents, not their best friends. That doesn't mean we don't have to worry about whether our children like us or not. But it does mean that we may have to run the risk of making them angry at times in order to help make them godly. Giving in to their every whim is not good for them, but simply bad parenting. Over the years, I have often found myself refusing to discipline my children just because I didn't want to be unpopular. I have stayed quiet when I should have spoken up. I have looked the other way when I have should have pointed out what I saw. I have avoided when I should have confronted. Parenting is a long-term commitment. If we focus on short-term gains, not only will we lose, so will our children. We need to view what we do as an investment that pays future dividends, not a quick-fix remedy that makes our kids happy for the moment. When we parent that way we aren't doing our kids any favors. While our children may not appreciate our discipline now, a day is coming when they will look back and recognize our efforts with gratitude not regret.

Father, help me be faithful to remain firm in my role as the disciplinarian of my kids. Don't let me sacrifice the long-term goals for short-term gains. But also make sure I always discipline in love, not anger. Amen.

Some Things Are Best Left to God.

Proverbs 19

“Fathers can give their sons an inheritance of houses and wealth, but only the Lord can give an understanding wife.” – Proverbs 19:14 NLT

As a father, I feel a real pressure to be the provider for my family. I have a strong work ethic and have had instilled inside me the determination to work hard so that I can take care of the needs of my wife and kids. I haven't always done it well or consistently, and I may not provide at the same level as other men do, but I have never failed to put food on the table or clothes on their backs. Even in times of job loss or financial difficulty, I have inherently known that I have a God-given responsibility to be the bread-winner for my family. I am not leaving God out of the equation, because I am fully aware that it is He who provides for all of our needs. And when times have been tough, I have never failed to turn to Him for help. But I know that God wants me to work hard. He wants me to use my talents and abilities wisely. He wants me to work diligently and faithfully. God gets glory when we put in an honest day's work. So there is nothing inherently wrong in having a healthy sense of responsibility about our need to provide.

But it can get out of whack if I allow myself to think that I can provide EVERYTHING my family needs. I have to constantly remind myself that I am limited in my capacity to provide. I can't provide my children with salvation. I can't provide my wife with contentment. I can't provide my home with peace. I can try to create the right kind of atmosphere where those things can prosper and find a home, but I can't provide them. Only God can do that. And Solomon reminds me that while I can provide an inheritance for my children made up of homes and financial assets, I can't provide a single one of them with a godly mate. I can't give my sons understanding wives or my daughters compassionate husbands. I have to leave that up to God. And to be honest, that scares me, because it leaves some pretty important things out of my control! What could be more important, life-changing, and potentially life-damaging than for one of your kids to marry the wrong kind of person? It happens all the time and we have all watched the painful results. It produces homes filled with unhappiness, unfulfilled dreams, disappointment, pain, heartache, and all kinds of mental, emotional and, sometimes, physical abuse. But God is reminding us that there are just some things we can't control or contribute. I have to trust God. I have to remind myself that so much of what I DO provide is of little value in comparison to what God makes possible. We all know that beautiful homes and lots of money are no consolation in a marriage where love and understanding are missing. Money may buy a bit of happiness, but it can't produce joy.

I think if you take this verse in the context of the Book of Proverbs, you will see that it is a subtle reminder that we need to plead with our kids and point our kids toward God – who is the only source of the wisdom, understanding, knowledge, common sense, discernment and good judgment that they will need to live well in this life. Because while God CAN give an understanding wife, unless your son has the discernment and good judgment to recognize the value of an understanding wife, he may just as easily reject that woman when she shows up in his life. God makes all kinds of good gifts and gracious treasures available to us each and every day, but it is due to our lack of godly wisdom that we walk right past them. We are too foolish to recognize the gifts of God right in front of our noses. So I believe Solomon is reminding us as dads (and moms) that there are some things we can't provide for our children. We will have to trust God for those things. But we also need to prepare the hearts of our children to receive the wisdom of God so that they can accept the good gifts He has for them in the future. Which is why Solomon constantly reminds his sons to listen to his commands and instructions. He pleads with them to "Keep their words always in your heart" (Proverbs 6:20), "write them deep within your heart" (Proverbs 7:3), "let them penetrate deep into your heart" (Proverbs 4:21). It is the wisdom of God within the hearts of our children that will help them recognize and receive the good things God has in store for them – such as an understanding wife and a godly husband.

Father, never let me forget that You are the ultimate and only provider for myself and my family. I need to point them to YOU as their provider, not me. I need to challenge them to accept Your wisdom into their hearts, not settle for my petty provisions. Nothing I can give them will last. But all that You provide is eternal and secure. Amen.

The Fake Vs. The Faithful Friend.

Proverbs 19

“Loyalty makes a person attractive. It is better to be poor than dishonest.” – Proverbs 19:22 NLT

Nobody likes fakes friends. You know the kind. They smile and act as if they're your best friend, but when your back is turned, they turn on you. They desert you. They prove to be disingenuous to you. But the very next time you see them, they act as if nothing has happened and all is well. They're fake and can be highly frustrating. Sometimes people can pretend to like us for what we own, less than for who we are. They like our "toys" and so they will tolerate us in order to have access to them. Solomon warns us about this kind of "friend." He says, "wealth makes many 'friends'; poverty drives them all away" (Proverbs 19:4 NLT). In other words, these are fair-weather friends who like us as long as we have something they want. Once that something goes away, so do they. Their friendship was just a facade to facilitate their own selfish desires. Sometimes what others want from us is our influence. They see us as a person of importance and so they come alongside us, offering to be our friend just so that they might have access to our circle of influence. Solomon warns us about these kinds of friends as well: "Many seek favors from a ruler; everyone is the friend of a person who gives gifts" (Proverbs 19:6 NLT). A powerful person can mistakenly believe that everyone beating a path to his door is truly interested in being his friend, when what they really want is not a relationship, but a favor. Everyone loves a generous person. Everyone is willing to put up with even the most obnoxious person as long as he gives them gifts. But these people are not true friends.

All of this reveals the sin that lurks in the heart of everyone of us. We can easily turn friendship into a self-centered pursuit that is all about us with little regard for the other person in the relationship. Think about how many friendships dissolve because the other person failed to meet our expectations, let us down, or were easily replaced by someone more popular, attractive, or beneficial to us in some way. Yet that is not the kind of friendship we are called to by God. Loyalty is important to Him. He doesn't want us to use one another and selfishly manipulate our relationships just to get the most out of them. Loyalty and love go hand in hand. Loyalty is an expression of love. Loyalty is what makes a person truly attractive as a friend (Proverbs 19:22). The faithful, unfailing friend is the one we will look for in the end. When all the fake friends have long deserted us, a faithful friend will still be there, waiting to reestablish the relationship we once had with them. Fake friends are fickle friends. Faithful friends are steadfast and true. What kind of a friend are you? Do you choose your friends based on what you are going to get out of the relationship? Is your motivation self-serving or selfless? Can you count the number of poor friends you have on one hand?

Solomon reminds us, "There are 'friends' who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother" (Proverbs 18:24 NLT). Again, what kind of a friend are you?

Father, make me a faithful, not a fake, friend. I want to be honest, not disingenuous. I want to be real in my relationships. Forgive me for using people for my own selfish interests. Give me a heart like You have. Help me to give my life away, expecting nothing in return. Don't let me measure my friendships based on what I can get out of them, but instead, by what I can give. Amen.